Grocery Store Defeat

Giving Thanks To Another Mom

           Do you ever feel defeated, worthless, and stressed to the point of no return? Well, I was there last night.  

            My son was always so well behaved in public. People would come up to us when we were out to tell us how great he was and how great of parents we must be; and that’s a problem. Why is it an appropriate assumption that if my kid acts good or bad in public that I am a good or bad parent? At the time I thought it was completely rational because I do consider myself to be a pretty decent parent, I do try my best. I do everything for my child, I put him first before everything, I love him unconditionally, and he has everything that he needs; so yeah- I think I am a good parent. But, that has nothing to do with how my child acts in public, and now I am coming to realize that.

            More frequently than not I have been doing my grocery shopping on my own, running to target quick alone, and trying to squeeze in anything I have to do during nap time or when someone can watch my son. Not because I do not want to spend time with him, but if it isn’t “kid friendly” or somewhere he can run around and destroy things, it is not going to happen and will end very poorly.

            I understand he is 20 months; this is how he is going to be. Frantic, screaming, wanting to run around wild, and out of control- not cramped up in a grocery store but at the same time there are times I have to be out in public with him and cannot shelter him from the world.

            Yesterday I had to run some errands and my son’s father was at night classes until about 9pm. We just had to run to Wegmans for maybe 5 things; it was hell.

At first it wasn’t so bad; he was super cute saying hi to literally every person walking by. We grabbed our things and headed for check out but the lines were so long and Gray was not having it. He started screaming at the top of his lungs, for fun. His piercing screams echoed throughout the aisles as his face turned red then would let out a huge laugh because of course, he is the funniest person alive, right?

I pulled out every Thomas the Train toy, Veggie Straws, books, etc that I had in my purse and none of it mattered. It all ended up on the ground with more earth shattering screams along with it. So not only was I alone with a baby, pushing a cart, attempting to pay- this possessed sounding child starts trying to stand up in the cart while buckled in. The veins in his forehead start popping out he is trying so hard to bust out of the car and what do you know- POP; the  buckle busts off and there is Grayson standing up and LAUNCHES off into my arms. At this point I am just about to lose it; I don’t know what to do. I am so close to getting the fuck out of there but yet so far away.

Now he decides to grab every little candy bar off the aisle shelf and throw it either on the ground or in my cart. The teenage boy who is working at the cash register is looking at me with despair, disgust, and annoyance. This lovely woman behind me continues to pick up all of the candy bars Gray is throwing at her and the Thomas trains that are on the ground while talking to him and saying hello; “you’re a wild one aren’t you.”

Finally, I am almost done; I am ready to pay. But what do you know, I swipe my card and my “wild” son keeps pushing the big red X to cancel; over and over again. I hand him 6 other cards to keep him busy for 3 seconds but he doesn’t care. You can see my defeat, I am giving up, and I am about to walk out of there without all of my groceries (5 goddamn items) and not even pay.

This lovely woman behind me says “I have three boys, they are all grown now, I get it. But don’t worry no one cares as much as you do.”  At that moment I just wanted to cry. Because this whole time I was just embarrassed, ashamed, feeling like a failure; But a failure at what, at being a mom? Because no matter what anyone in Wegmans thinks I know I am not a failure at that. I know my child is bathed, fed, and happy. I know that he feels loved and gets so many kisses every single day; he is surrounded by so much love that it is overwhelming. Maybe a failure at allowing this defeat get to me, it shouldn’t for me, for you, for any mom or dad.

So no matter what your child acts like during their terrible twos, feisty fours, or whatever age do not let it defeat you and do not let others allow judgment into your life, especially strangers. You cannot shelter them from the public forever if they are going to throw a tantrum or let out earth shattering screams- it is okay; it’s what kids do.

Thank you to the mom behind me in line who was kind enough to talk to me and allow words of, what may not have seem it at the time but, comfort; I really needed that.