My Why

Why I Decided on Self Love

From 2012-2015 I worked at a private practice orthopedic office as a medical scribe. This was a job that paid pretty well, it was fun, and I met my life long best friend there who was the x-ray technician. All in all, I had it made there- I was young, had a great boss and worked with my best friend. 

My best friend who worked there was super into fitness; she was in competitions, religiously worked out, and meal prepped every Sunday. As best friends do, they show you their ways on certain things. So I started picking up on these habits and wanted her to teach me more! She started showing me how to meal prep, what exercises to do, and would go to the gym with me and show me some new machines to use. At this time in my life I was about a size 4, 130/5 lbs and wasn't too worried about weight, or I shouldn't have been, it was more of a lifestyle/maintenance sort of thing. 

I could see the changes in my body and I loved it! I started working out 3-5 days a week at the gym, running in my neighborhood at least once a week when it was nice out, along with some home exercises as well. This was along with the regimented, strict meal plan that I had as well; 6 meals a day- weighed, portioned and prepped appropriately on Sundays for the week. I enjoyed this lifestyle at this time in my life. Some of my friends would tell me that it was so over the top, ridiculous, etc but I personally felt like I finally had some structure. I was working 2-3 jobs and going to school part time. This to me was regulated and planned out and I felt in control and I loved it, especially when you can physically notice results it makes it even more worth it. 

When I met my boyfriend, he was working crazy hours. Sometimes 3pm-12pm or 4pm-8am so I would just get out of my second job, work out, and wait for him to get out of work to finally see him. 

After dating for a while I found out I was pregnant; this was a HUGE shock. I was always told that due to medical issues, it would be extremely difficult for me to become pregnant and when I was ready my doctors would work with me on trying. But my son, Grayson, was ready to make an appearance into the world right then and there!

My first trimester I was so exhausted all of the time. I couldn't keep working 3 jobs or even 2 for that matter, and it was so hard to go to the gym everyday. So I told myself I would lay off for a little while. Then the cravings started, or my psychological cravings started. I hadn't eaten like crap in years it felt like. Smoky Bones chicken wing dip 2x a week? SURE!!!! Smores pop tarts?? SURE!!! Mashed potatoes?? SURE!! 

I ATE EVERYTHING.

Literally. I couldn't stop eating. It was like I restricted myself for so long that I went into full binge mode for a good three months. In total, I gained 56lbs in my pregnancy. If you aren't familiar a healthy, average weight gain for a normal pregnancy is 25-30lbs; I basically doubled that with no problem. Since I had been switching doctors and no one was consistent at my office, no one monitored, no one told me to chill the hell out, no one told me I was getting HUGE way too fast. I didn't know. I mean, I knew, but it was too late, I was there. I got up to 203lbs. When I saw that number I couldn't believe it. I started at 147lbs. That to me was just such a drastic change in the person I was physically and mentally. 

I used to be such a determined and powerful person. Now here I was so heavy for my body that I was basically in pain from it. I couldn't do basic things without feeling winded. 

When I left the hospital after delivery I was basically expecting some what of a miracle. I got home and jumped on the scale. 189lbs. I thought it would have been so much less for some reason. 

I am the first person to always tell someone weight means NOTHING! How you feel is what counts. But I felt like SHIT. Not just because of how I felt about getting to that point but I physically felt worn, sloppy, lazy, slow. All of the above. I just wasn't me. This slowly put me in a mild grade postpartum depression. 

I became very sad all of them time. I would cry out of no where, sleep when the baby slept which was all of the time rather than showering or eating, I would keep myself locked in the house, and I refused to see people. I did not want anyone to see me. I would basically start fights when my boyfriend would want to get out of the house together to meet with friends or head to the mall for dinner because I didn't want anyone to see me. I did not love myself. I couldn't find that love anywhere. 

I started working out with a personal trainer, doing work outs at home, and eating healthy. Even with all of that and going back to work, after 4 months I still did not lose one pound. At that time my depression deepened; I couldn't believe I had put all of this hard work into myself for no reason. 

I started blaming everyone for my problems and becoming a really mean person; a person I wouldn't even want to spend time with. 

My son did not even want to spend time with me. He would cry when I would hold him, he only wanted his dad to be with him, and he wanted nothing to do with me. When my partner shed light on this, I realized I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and find myself again; here and now. Not in 2013 when I was a size 2/4 with a 4 pack and could do whatever I wanted. Today, here and now, Grayson's mom.  Being his mother is way more important to me than anything else in the world. "So pick your sorry chubby ass up and figure out what is more important." Is what I said to myself...

I started really working on myself mentally and physically. Making conscious decisions to be happy and put happiness back into the universe. Someone is out there shedding love and light back at us, maybe they can help a sister out right? 

I had one really enlightening day; it was stunningly bittersweet. I took the day off from work for my Grandfather's funeral. It was going to be a really sad day. He had been diagnosed with cancer and had been suffering the last year. I decided to take my son to the zoo that day to have some alone time with him since I had the day off. I could tell he could see a difference in me because he kept giving me kisses, hugging me, wanting me to hold him and as terrible as it sounds for a mother to say, in the last few weeks he didn't like me much; I didn't like me much. We had such an incredible day together, I will remember it forever. Then comes the funeral. It was hard. It was devastating. But it was enlightening. I can't explain it that well other than having such a bittersweet day in one day- one incredible afternoon and then a devastating evening all in one day is strange. Even though I was absolutely devastated to lose my grandfather, I was so happy he was no longer suffering; that was almost harder to watch. Maybe that is why I found that day to be so enlightening? 

The last few months I have been doing nothing but loving myself as much as possible, loving others, and trying to shed light where ever I can. I feel as if I can feel the love for myself coming back. Although it did take some time, I got it back. Most importantly, I got my sons love and affection back. He started to see my self love before I did.

 Others notice how much you love yourself sometimes more than you will! Always remember that. The vibes and radiance you give off can sometimes be insanely obvious. 

Although it wasn't my top priority, I have also lost almost all of the weight I gained 48lbs so far, and I couldn't be happier about that! I feel like I now can go run around outside with my son. He is 18months and is a wild BOY for sure. I feel that my yoga practice is improving each day and I am not in pain while trying to hold myself up in a downward dog anymore! 

I put a photo side by side the other day of about 1-2 weeks postpartum and then about 2 weeks ago.... the difference absolutely shocked me. I didn't think I have come as far as I did; maybe because I see myself in the mirror everyday or because I decided that loving myself was more important than worrying about the physical aspect of my life. And when I started loving myself again, my body started to love me again. 

Loving yourself is so important. Others can notice so much more than we think. People can't and will not love you if you do not love yourself. Join me in this 30 day self love challenge to bring more awareness and mindfulness into our everyday lives of ways we can love ourselves more and more!